Why Nagging Doesn't Work

You feel like you've repeatedly asked your partner something or told them something, and they just won't listen. You feel frustrated, so you start raising your voice or maybe even saying some mean statements to get their attention. Instead of getting them to finally hear you and do what you're asking, it turns into a fight. Why does this happen?

I realized there are two different types of people. How I like to think about them is there are inward people and outward people. Those who live on the more anxious side of the spectrum are more outwardly expressive. You have something on your mind that's bothering you, and you tell someone. You feel strong emotions, and you release them by talking outwardly. A lot of your thoughts are directed externally.

You likely have an inward partner or a more avoidant-leaning partner. This could be an avoidant-leaning fearful avoidant or a dismissive avoidant. They are more inward, meaning they keep their thoughts to themselves. They suppress their emotions, sometimes to the degree they don't even know they have them.

This works because the outward person very often releases their emotions onto the inward person, who soaks them up and suppresses them along with all the many other things they suppress. This is a really tough dynamic because oftentimes the inward person is doing it to cope, just as the outward person is releasing those emotions to cope as well. They are just very different and opposing coping mechanisms.

Since there is so much to suppress, oftentimes the inward partner seems disconnected or distracted. Always scrolling on their phones, playing video games, or doing other activities that give a lot of instant satisfaction. That's because they need it to continue suppressing everything. Unfortunately, this behavior was learned in childhood and has become a deeply ingrained habit or escape for their difficult emotions. They never learned how to cope with emotions in a healthy way or maybe were punished for expressing them. The only other option was just to pretend they don't exist.

So knowing all this, why does nagging not work? When you express your thoughts with negative emotions to your inward or avoidant-leaning partner, they are either afraid of conflict and will pretend to agree to get out of this situation. Internally, though, they have a lot of thoughts they just aren't expressing to you. They might not actually agree with what you said. They just are afraid to speak their mind in case the situation escalates. Then they can't get back to their state of running away from emotions.

The other option is the inward partner says things that start a fight. The way they use criticism is different from the outward partner. They are using that to push you away. It is a distancing strategy so they can avoid being smothered and avoid taking on other people's emotions or opinions. Both of these behaviors are called deactivation strategies. They come online when more avoidant-leaning people are triggered.

What nagging does is it triggers their fears of being smothered, being trapped, and their fear that there's something wrong with them. How can we approach this instead? When you're leaned into your feminine energy, you can communicate in a softer way that is more expressing your feelings instead of coming from a triggered state where those feelings are being unleashed onto your partner. Instead of allowing those negative emotions to cause a reaction in you, you have the space to let them flow through you and the capacity to listen to the message they are relaying to you. You have a deeper connection and relationship with yourself to know how to process those emotions and how to communicate with kindness and assertiveness. This shift will also inspire your partner to not act from a triggered state and go into their deactivation response.